The only weight gained during the holidays is probably the growth in our livers.

So Big Red and I were discussing how today commences the 12 days of drying out. But my thought is why go crazy? How about ten days? Or I don't know maybe six. Okay FIVE and that is final. FIVE days of drying out. Afterall, New Year's is around the corner. So we'll just ring ourselves out a little. Then after New Year's we can definitely find some time for the full furnace blast heat dry.

There is always something to screw this up though. Things happen that absolutely must be celebrated - like your third cousin's acquisition of a new patch for Boy Scouts. Or when Doris finally lost her last tooth; and I mean the adult teeth, because Doris is 89. And especially the time Big Red found out the nasty rash she was sporting was simply from a razor burn.

This small time-out is a must for so many reasons. One of which is the fact that Big Red was lamenting she's obviously been drinking way too much coffee, because her teeth seem to be stained a bit more during the holiday festivities. Yeah BR. That's it - way too much coffee. It has nothing to do with the former contents of the bottles inhabiting the Green recycle bin - which is in an overflow capacity at the moment. Therefore we must halt this madness, because clearly BR needs to regain the reasoning portion of her brain.

(Photo)Moi, Jenny McCarthy, Big Red and BFF - okay not Jenny McCarthy, we'll just call her the Engaged One.

Copyright © 2012 SUPER HERO, LLC. All rights reserved

Making Big Red invisible isn't Impossible

A devoted reader brought an interesting fact to my attention today. According to the Daily Beast - a news organization I follow daily (hence the name) reported a 15% increase in Champagne sales as the holidays approach. So Big Red, Blondie, Diva, NM and I say, "You're welcome America."

Frankly, I was shocked the number wasn't higher until I realized there was a slight increase in sales outside the U.S., which may have been where we were recently. Yes, we don't just designate the U.S. for Champagne consumption.

Children learn language through necessity to communicate their needs. Well as adults we become artfully multilingual for anything we desire. Actually, for Champagne it really only requires changing your accent and saying it with a question mark inflection. Champagne? Champon? Champagnya? The pop of the cork sounds the same in every language.

So in said "foreign" country the laws are very lax as to liquid carry-ons for domestic flights. How lax? Well I wasn't sure, but we were willing to find out. As it turns out Big Red and I had to race from our hotel early one morning to catch a domestic flight, but may have accidentally frozen a fresh bottle of Champagne in our room. It's the first time I've actually seen a freezer function in a hotel.

So, in all our logic with two hours of shut-eye behind us - we grabbed the bottle and threw it in our carry-on. After all, it is technically not a liquid at this point. We're hoarding a solid. We may have been asked by a few people in line what we planned on doing with it. Um "Drink it when it thaws, duh!"

One would think I might be more concerned upon approaching security in a foreign country where they so kindly offered Visas to us. I'm here to tell you, when you really want something - serendipity comes a knocking.

Then, it happened. Opportunity slapped me in the face so hard, my cheek is still red. A group of diplomats was being detoured around security screening and we figured; what's a couple more people? It just so happened Big Red and I were all dolled up in our professional attire, so can you say BLEND IN? Yes, I kid you not. My cloaking powers worked. No one ever thought I could make Big Red invisible. To this day we still don't know if the chemists in security would have spent time arguing solid versus liquid, but we weren't willing to miss our flight to find out.

And in case you're wondering, by the time we checked into our next destination - the Champagne was at the perfect temperature.


Copyright © 2012 SUPER HERO, LLC. All rights reserved

I gave up a bout of Depression to only contract Tourette's Syndrome

Hello people. Remember me? I used to actually print words on a blog and send it out. If you are wondering where I've been, I can't really tell you. But, as it turns out, I've apparently been depressed. However, I've been laughing so much I failed to notice.

So now I must diagnose the cause of this state-of-mind. Is it due to the failed marriage of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries; or the fact that I miss Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men? It may have a lot to do with Southwest Airlines not serving Diet Dr. Pepper anymore. I've been upset about that for a long time; and every time I board a flight with them, I'm flooded with the memories of what used to be.

I'm sure it isn't because of my recent reunion with a gal at MY gym who has shed layers of pounds; and is sporting a body load of muscle after a year of training. I could never be resentful of such a thing for a fellow human, because I know the hours of hard work it takes to get there. Jello shots were probably not part of her training.

Except, you should know this is how the short conversation transpired when I bestowed her with accolades for her accomplishment.

Me: OMG Girl, you've been working hard. You look great.

That woman: Well YOU were my INSPIRATION!!!!!

So, there is more to the conversation, but I must stop now and say to those of you who are reading this: NEW RULE! If I inspire you to work out - DO NOT - I repeat - DO NOT outdo me. Really? You want to come in here with your size two, ready for beach volleyball body - transformed from your robust size 12, and tell me - I was your INSPIRATION?

She said some other words after that, but I couldn't hear them, as I was in a cold, dark vacuum - muttering nonsensical, Tourette's Syndrome-esqe obscenities under my breath.

In my fog, I may have said, Oh that's great. You look amazing. You've really outdone yourself. Hey, when does your membership expire here?


Copyright © 2012 SUPER HERO, LLC. All rights reserved


Copyright © 2012 SUPER HERO, LLC. All rights reserved

What's worth trading for a $10 Hooker?

So I've always said I wouldn't blog while drinking. I mean, it's a no-no in every other facet in life. No drinking, driving & texting; no drinking and riding a bike; no drinking and stealing tigers; and the no brainer - no drinking and tipping cows. But I'm on a gazillion hour flight with Big Red, who thank God made it to first class this trip. I can see the relief on the flight attendants faces, NOT!

Anywhooo, we only made it as far as Salt Lake City without incident. Yeah well, trouble tends to follow Super Heroes and their.... well, whatever Big Red is. Some guy had the audacity to walk too close past me - when BR and I spotted in his hot little hands a Fedora that would fit perfectly on my tiny little pea-brain.

It's true, I have a pinhead. My mother who is all of 100 lbs, maybe - must have made some pact with God when I arrived into this world, because finding hats for me is as easy as finding a virgin anywhere near a Volcano. That may go over some heads, but people my age and Tom Hanks will get it.

So Big Red says hey that's a cute Fedora. To which Stingy-guy says, "It is my wife's." Well my natural reaction was, "Can I have it?" He replied, "How much?" As you can imagine, my response was that of, "Oh I usually just make-out for things as trivial as a hat." His response, "where are you sitting?" It was funny until I realized he didn't want to make out, he wanted to trade for my first class seat. At that point I knew the hat must have been cheaper than a $10 Hooker. His poor wife. He's not even sitting in first class.

Copyright © 2012 SUPER HERO, LLC. All rights reserved

Have you ever spanked your Chauffeur?

Just when you think you've been a pretty good parent - aside from a few setbacks - someone has to show you up by bragging at the liquor store about their 9-year-old kid who can drive.

Where have I gone wrong? I was so caught up in her grades and social life, I completely forgot one of the basic needs on this planet. DRIVING Her momma home from a night out. I've been putting her on the bus at 7 a.m. everyday, while I dart off to Super Hero training. As it turns out - all this time she could have been hitting the snooze button and chauffeured her own pigtails and nursery rhymes a couple of miles down the road for her scholarly upbringing.

Well I haven't failed completely as a mother. For example, one evening Big Red, BFF and I had a hankering for some wine and cheese. However instead of patronizing the wine dump that actually has both of the above mentioned items, we chose to go to a locale offering the grander selection of grape swill - even though they clearly have an adversity to supporting the dairy industry.

Therefore this requires packing up a few things to satisfy Big Red and BFF's lactic cravings. As my loving little heiress observed from across the breakfast bar, I began to pack a dazzling Arthur Court cheese tray, several cheese cutters, napkins and other snooty accoutrement before heading out to the market for the assortment of snacks.

Upon my arrival to our favorite bottle shop, we began to set the table with the carefully selected items from my bag of tricks, only to find at the bottom of the bag a little something my daughter contributed to the picnic - A BIBLE. Maybe she can't drive, but she packs a powerful sense of humor.

Copyright © 2012 SUPER HERO, LLC. All rights reserved

Is it Wrong to Pay for the Services of Hot Men?

What's a dinner without a few laughs and insults? I'll tell you what it is - a Church pot luck. I don't know about you, but "said" event for me is like holy water to a vampire. I disappear into a pile of ashes. Now I feel compelled to enlighten you on our recent dinner at "Not a size 4 Anymore," BFF's McMansion. And by the way she was greeted in her home by one of the male guests with a "You look great!!! You're hardly showing." To which she replied, "Oh thank God, because I had the baby THREE months ago."

Our bevy of hosts for the evening included a doctor, a dentist and a casino mogul - all of whom... wait for it.... own Wineries. You say, how do you land such wonderful and talented people to entertain you? I say, the old fashioned way. We buy them. You've read my blog - we don't have any friends. I couldn't believe how fortunate we were to have a doctor in the house for our emergency. Oh nobody choked. But Big Red and I need Malaria drugs for our upcoming Brazilian experience.

Not the strip me bald Brazilian - all you need is a little sedative for that. No, we applied for Visas and for reasons unbeknownst to us, the Brazilian Government actually approved them. So after indulging in, and fawning over the doctor's fancy grape juice, I asked the man I met only an hour before - if he wouldn't love to write up a couple of Malaria prescriptions. Oh, you have your pad in the car? Oh I couldn't impose. Oh, it's not a bother to call the CDC at 9 p.m. and find out what type of Malaria drugs we actually need? Oh great. Thanks Doc.

Then after a steady diet of wines from Ferrari-Carano; Arger-Martucci; and Carrefour - Mr. Casino Mogul decided we weren't drinking enough. This Super Hero was going slow due to the imposition of having to drive an actual vehicle off the premises at the end of the evening.

So Casino mogul relieved yours truly of driving duty and called his limo driver - to lift the burden of my anesthetized future. Yeah the food was good too, whatever. You don't buy Winemakers for their culinary prowess. You buy them because they are HOT and can pour liquid.

Copyright © 2012 SUPER HERO, LLC. All rights reserved

Belching is the new Runner's High

I loathe invites to six-course dinners. It's not the invite so much as the prep work in anticipation of such an event with which I have the problem. The day begins with waking up, which is very taxing in and of itself - then I must search for clean gym clothes, or the cleanest dirty gear in the pile.

Then there are the goals I must set before arriving at the gym. Such as, don't puke, don't trip, and scan the cardio room for signs of life before employing my diaphragm with the grandest burp of all. Hey, excreting air from my gut is my euphoria while running. I don't know anything about that runner's high folks talk about. The moment grape juice hit my palate - runner's high took a backseat and those doors are locked.

As you have detected, if I am to indulge in a multi-course gourmet meal - I must burn a gazillion calories which takes a lifetime on the treadmill. And then post workout, I can only consume water, an apple and any particles of food that drop from my teeth while flossing. If you just lost your appetite, then all I can say to you is, "You're welcome." You do realize anorexia is for weight loss, and Bulimia is solely for maintenance, right? Once again, Big Red's prep is a little different. You'll find her in the horizontal position with a gaggle of women in some sweat shop next to a burger joint.

(To the left is BFF's sister, Big Red, BFF and Moi.)

So this fabulous dinner will be hosted at our BFF's McMansion. She has the legs of a gazelle, and on any given day is typically a size 4. However she's recently extracted a bun from her oven. Yeah, whatever, congrats she now has baby boy. BTW I've decided there are enough of this particular gender in the world. I move we place a moratorium on birthing boys until they figure how to treat the females who are currently inhabiting the earth.

Anyway, Big Red and I have never been more excited to be in "Not a Size 4 Anymore's" presence. What? Yeah I said it. But remember I write this blog to make ME feel better. And yes I do still have friends. I can count them all on four fingers. And to be fair, we only have a small window of opportunity to wallow in her misery, because BFF has some sort of magical baby fat melting powers I've never understood. Dinner blog coming next. And with it - you will see I'm not the only person lacking in the TACT department.


Copyright © 2012 SUPER HERO, LLC. All rights reserved