Tuesday, October 26, 2010

I never said I was graceful.

Today has become a day off, only after Trainer Guy and Gym husband repeatedly preached to me the virtues of giving my body a break. Oh, gym husband, yes this may require an explanation. This is much like a real marriage. Gym husband tells me what to do and I tell him I don't want to, because, well because I really don't want to. Then when he's not looking I try to do it on my own. It's a strong relationship built on adoration, deceit, arguing and no sex. Does that sound familiar?

Anyway the reason they both concurred a respite from the gym is necessary is due to the fact that my natural feminine gait (which doesn't really exist - I truly lumber when I walk - I'm from Arkansas) has turned into more of a stride much like that of Mae West when the 1st through the 30th Infantry returned home from WWII. Hey don't get your panties in a bunch, after all in her very own words, "I've been in more laps than a napkin." Okay, you know that's Mae not me, right?

What I'm really trying to say is I'm in so much pain from my waist down that every time I had the urge in the middle of the night to go - I was cursing myself for not having the foresight to snag a catheter from any random hospital of late. Oh how I envy handicap bar toilets now when I approach my lavatory.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I found Gilligan in Hawaii

You know, Batman had Robin, the Lone Ranger had Tonto - and I get..... Be-Be, whose only resemblance to a useful coconspirator is, well, Gilligan. And on my worst days, not even I think I could pull off Alan Hale's role as the Skipper. But there is no side show, I mean sidekick to better describe "Big Red."

For example, in Hawaii on our 4-hour tour off the island of Oahu, we stopped in a cove to swim in an area swarming with Spinner Dolphins. When I say swarming, I literally mean there were 30 pods of Dolphins in this cove. We have our snorkel gear fiercely attached to our heads and we are the first two out of the boat - shaking with excitement to be in the presence of such beautiful animals. I started looking in the depths of the ocean to see a pod of 12 dolphins right below our feet.

After the dolphins pass under us - I flip my head out of the water with my hair swinging to the side just like a super model to share the excitement with Big Red - and she looks at me in astonishment. It appears while I was actually face down in the water looking for dolphins - her attention was focused on the mountainside beyond the cove. Last time I checked, dolphins have this innate need to be in the water, they are not much for hiking mountainsides. Of the 300 dolphins in the water with us, guess how many Be-Be saw, counting those who damn near brushed her feet? Negative 12, zero, zip, nada.

Well anyway, while in Hawaii we were hell-bent on learning to stand up paddleboard, because after months of training our core, legs, arms, narcissism, ego etc., we figure we will kick-ass on this new challenge. There was only one thing holding us back - we actually figured this was a good stunt to conquer while sober. We only had five days in Hawaii, so where were we going to find the time for sobriety?

We arrived Wed. afternoon and went straight to the poolside bar while we waited for our rooms to be ready; Day two we were up at 5 a.m. for golf - and they serve, I mean push beer on you at the golf course. Then we rewarded ourselves with a booze cruise after a tough day on the course; Day three we were up at 6 a.m. and to the gym, so upon our landing at the beach - there were fountains of mimosas with no home. Who can ignore that? Day four - Thurston Howell and I took Be-Be out so she could snub the Dolphins and later we attended a sporting event which is too painful to discuss. Finally Day five - this is the day, we will take a brisk walk, scout our location for paddleboarding, and have a little breakfast. Now the wait for breakfast was 20 minutes. No problem we'll go downstairs to the bar for a minute. We never made it back upstairs. Two hours later and hoards of mimosas down - Let's go shopping!!!