Friday, July 15, 2011

Big Red will call anyone a "Dumbass"

Listen, I've been harping on the virtues of muscle building and fat burning for 19 months now; and sure I've made fun of how IQs can degenerate as muscle mass increases. But it just takes one encounter with Mr. Muscle Mass to bring that theory home. Let's just get to the point. Big Red and I met former Raiders Linebacker Rod Martin five times in the span of an hour one night. I realize how absurd that sounds, like perhaps, we were stalking him? Well no more than any of the other NFL greats who were there.

When Martin introduced himself the first time, I regaled him with the story of my High School boyfriend challenging me to memorize the starting lineup of the Oakland Raiders. I was so proud to have accomplished this feat until I learned my prize was a trip to Oakland to see the lineup in person. I recall asking if I could just have hundred bucks instead.

Anyway, apparently there are some short-term memory issues with Mr. Martin. We can only deduce this from the fact he approached us four more times inside a 40 minute time period with his hand held out - "Hi, I'm Rod Martin." At which point Big Red made him feel very at home with a "Hey Dumbass, we know." I politely responded with yes, we've gone over this a few times now. His response, "You know, I have suffered a few concussions." Nooooooooo. So I figured maybe this time when I asked to try on his Super Bowl ring, he'd forget that too. Nope. It is clear his ring is more memorable than I am. Whatever.

Now for those Rod Martin fans out there, I want you to know, his short-term memory loss seems to only be a nuisance at cocktail hour. I know this because the following morning at the first sighting of us, he maneuvered through the tables in record speed (envision this in slow motion-and if he still had hair it would be flowing backward) with open arms; at which point I extended my right hand out and said, "Hi, I'm Rod Martin."

I think the moral of this story is to keep working out, but not for any activity that could hinder your ability to socialize at a cocktail party. No, just do it so you can fit into your pants. When NIKE starts using that mantra - we want royalties.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Big Red's favorite exercise involves lying on her back

Prior to my departure last week for a 6-day girls' outing in L.A. and Las Vegas, I paid it forward with a daily routine on the treadmill for at least 60 - 75 minutes. Being a Super Hero in Training and all, I had this vision that although my workout clothes would be following me to both destinations, they may squeal at the sight of bright light upon their return from the bowels of my luggage. I surprise myself with my foresight.

During this trip I had a couple of dizzy spells when standing up as my brain was exercising its incredible sense of humor by withholding the information from my legs. Due to the fact that I make fun that I'm getting dumber as I gain muscle mass, the boss upstairs enjoys the serendipitous prank on my appendages. This explains the multiple stains on my clothes which are residuals of matter that should have made it to my mouth. Therefore I have to occasionally use vocabulary words above my grade level to let my medulla oblongata know it is the bomb.

Okay, I actually have low blood pressure, which is a condition completely lost on Big Red, who is a huge advocate of any exercise she can accomplish while lying flat on her back. Okay now wait a minute people. It's Pilates. She's a big Pilates fan - and not so excited about any two-legged form of movement. Anyway she was scratching her head wondering how I could possibly be inflicted with such a debilitating disease. At which point I had to explain to her this is a sign of incredible athletic conditioning garnered from.... I don't know.... cardio exercise. I know you can't see it from here, but my heart has abs.