Friday, October 23, 2015

I'm calling for Eradication of Ants

Never in my life have I considered eradication of a species of any sort. But as I was sitting at my desk penning what would be one of the greatest novels of all time, I began to scratch my noggin. Not in the – I’m searching for the words to occupy the blank white page on the screen – kind of scratch, but of the itchy scratchy kind.

When suddenly a visitor appeared on the interior of my left eyeglass lens. Yep, for what did appear, but a tiny ant - crawling about my lens as if it were just another Wednesday. 

Now, I don’t know about you, but this is the type of thing that can’t escape your conscience, sub conscience, nor your nerve endings who feel they have been violated.  My entire being has now been taken over by phantom ants sitting on every cell of my body – all because of one, rogue live little being.

I now would like to address whomever in the world has the ability to rid humankind of these annoying little creatures. And, while we’re at it – let’s obliterate wasps too. I was wronged this summer by one of those botherations. Yes, that little needle butt nuisance found a way into my hair follicles. And it jackhammered my head so hard that I was numb from my left temple down to the base of my neck by the end of the week.

What possible benefit do either of these insects bestow upon our beautiful mother planet?  Yeah, ants dig tunnels, which aerates the soil. Blah, blah, blah. I already have an aerator. It’s something I call lawn service, and they are not climbing into my pantry searching for crumbs to take home. Did you know, there are literally millions of ants for every single person on this planet? Really? Do we need that many? Can’t we at least do with half that number? If everyone swore an oath to aerate the land around them for the betterment of our dirt, can we please just blast a few million of them away? I’m just asking. It’s already a NO if I don’t ask.

Not a face even a mother could love.
So how about those wasps? I get the bee thing. I saw the movie. Having bees is good. To not have bees is bad. Earth likey likes the bees. Pollination, pretty flowers, green earth, blue sky is what we are grateful for all because of bees. Got it.

Wasps, however, I’m not sold on. They are supposedly good for pest control. The only thing they control in my yard is me, and access to my Hummingbird feeder. The only time I’m happy to see a wasp is when I’m refilling the bird feeder, and I find several of the drowned, gluttonous beasts in the container.  Good riddance.  Please, please, please do not have anyone film a story about wasps. They do not deserve the notoriety. They are attention seekers and bullies.  Help!