Monday, December 26, 2011

The only weight gained during the holidays is probably the growth in our livers.

So Big Red and I were discussing how today commences the 12 days of drying out. But my thought is why go crazy? How about ten days? Or I don't know maybe six. Okay FIVE and that is final. FIVE days of drying out. Afterall, New Year's is around the corner. So we'll just ring ourselves out a little. Then after New Year's we can definitely find some time for the full furnace blast heat dry.

There is always something to screw this up though. Things happen that absolutely must be celebrated - like your third cousin's acquisition of a new patch for Boy Scouts. Or when Doris finally lost her last tooth; and I mean the adult teeth, because Doris is 89. And especially the time Big Red found out the nasty rash she was sporting was simply from a razor burn.

This small time-out is a must for so many reasons. One of which is the fact that Big Red was lamenting she's obviously been drinking way too much coffee, because her teeth seem to be stained a bit more during the holiday festivities. Yeah BR. That's it - way too much coffee. It has nothing to do with the former contents of the bottles inhabiting the Green recycle bin - which is in an overflow capacity at the moment. Therefore we must halt this madness, because clearly BR needs to regain the reasoning portion of her brain.

(Photo)Moi, Jenny McCarthy, Big Red and BFF - okay not Jenny McCarthy, we'll just call her the Engaged One.

Copyright © 2012 SUPER HERO, LLC. All rights reserved

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Making Big Red invisible isn't Impossible

A devoted reader brought an interesting fact to my attention today. According to the Daily Beast - a news organization I follow daily (hence the name) reported a 15% increase in Champagne sales as the holidays approach. So Big Red, Blondie, Diva, NM and I say, "You're welcome America."

Frankly, I was shocked the number wasn't higher until I realized there was a slight increase in sales outside the U.S., which may have been where we were recently. Yes, we don't just designate the U.S. for Champagne consumption.

Children learn language through necessity to communicate their needs. Well as adults we become artfully multilingual for anything we desire. Actually, for Champagne it really only requires changing your accent and saying it with a question mark inflection. Champagne? Champon? Champagnya? The pop of the cork sounds the same in every language.

So in said "foreign" country the laws are very lax as to liquid carry-ons for domestic flights. How lax? Well I wasn't sure, but we were willing to find out. As it turns out Big Red and I had to race from our hotel early one morning to catch a domestic flight, but may have accidentally frozen a fresh bottle of Champagne in our room. It's the first time I've actually seen a freezer function in a hotel.

So, in all our logic with two hours of shut-eye behind us - we grabbed the bottle and threw it in our carry-on. After all, it is technically not a liquid at this point. We're hoarding a solid. We may have been asked by a few people in line what we planned on doing with it. Um "Drink it when it thaws, duh!"

One would think I might be more concerned upon approaching security in a foreign country where they so kindly offered Visas to us. I'm here to tell you, when you really want something - serendipity comes a knocking.

Then, it happened. Opportunity slapped me in the face so hard, my cheek is still red. A group of diplomats was being detoured around security screening and we figured; what's a couple more people? It just so happened Big Red and I were all dolled up in our professional attire, so can you say BLEND IN? Yes, I kid you not. My cloaking powers worked. No one ever thought I could make Big Red invisible. To this day we still don't know if the chemists in security would have spent time arguing solid versus liquid, but we weren't willing to miss our flight to find out.

And in case you're wondering, by the time we checked into our next destination - the Champagne was at the perfect temperature.

Copyright © 2012 SUPER HERO, LLC. All rights reserved

Sunday, December 11, 2011

I gave up a bout of Depression to only contract Tourette's Syndrome

Hello people. Remember me? I used to actually print words on a blog and send it out. If you are wondering where I've been, I can't really tell you. But, as it turns out, I've apparently been depressed. However, I've been laughing so much I failed to notice.

So now I must diagnose the cause of this state-of-mind. Is it due to the failed marriage of Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries; or the fact that I miss Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men? It may have a lot to do with Southwest Airlines not serving Diet Dr. Pepper anymore. I've been upset about that for a long time; and every time I board a flight with them, I'm flooded with the memories of what used to be.

I'm sure it isn't because of my recent reunion with a gal at MY gym who has shed layers of pounds; and is sporting a body load of muscle after a year of training. I could never be resentful of such a thing for a fellow human, because I know the hours of hard work it takes to get there. Jello shots were probably not part of her training.

Except, you should know this is how the short conversation transpired when I bestowed her with accolades for her accomplishment.

Me: OMG Girl, you've been working hard. You look great.

That woman: Well YOU were my INSPIRATION!!!!!

So, there is more to the conversation, but I must stop now and say to those of you who are reading this: NEW RULE! If I inspire you to work out - DO NOT - I repeat - DO NOT outdo me. Really? You want to come in here with your size two, ready for beach volleyball body - transformed from your robust size 12, and tell me - I was your INSPIRATION?

She said some other words after that, but I couldn't hear them, as I was in a cold, dark vacuum - muttering nonsensical, Tourette's Syndrome-esqe obscenities under my breath.

In my fog, I may have said, Oh that's great. You look amazing. You've really outdone yourself. Hey, when does your membership expire here?

Copyright © 2012 SUPER HERO, LLC. All rights reserved

Copyright © 2012 SUPER HERO, LLC. All rights reserved