Thursday, April 29, 2010

My trainer is stalking me

I don't know what my trainer's problem is. He keeps texting me with the old "When are you coming back?" He's the only man that has ever begged me to come back - and I find -- I'm annoyed with it. I've only been gone for a few days - weeks - well it hasn't been a month yet.

Doesn't he know that Super Heros sometimes need a break. I mean really, you can only take so much of, "Help me, Help me!" "Oh no the train is coming!" "Little Johnny is getting mauled by rabid wolves!!!" Hasn't anyone ever seen Will Smith's movie Hancock? Geez. Give a girl a break.

I only felt a little bad about my break when one of my BFFs was choking in Mexico and my other BFF had to pick her up and slam her against the table to dislodge the unchewed carne from her trachea. She used such magnum force, I'm pretty sure her kidney popped out too. But the gusto with which she slammed her was sure impressive. I was just thankful she had spent so much time with me, because clearly, she's learned something.

By the way, we have two kidneys, right? For all the Champagne we consumed, I don't think her body will notice a missing organ for at least another 6 weeks.

I was so fascinated with the sound of my own teeth gnashing and gnawing on my carne grande, and the swirling of the Veuve on my tongue, that I didn't notice her choking until she was splayed on the center of the table like a holiday pig sporting an apple.

So with that said, I'm going to call my trainer back. I hate seeing bodybuilders beg and BFFs suffer.

No comments:

Post a Comment