If you wonder what ever happened to Linda Blair - she's training at my gym

We're going to play a little game here. I'm going to write a few blogs today and over the course of the next few days; of events that have happened throughout the past few weeks, and with each blog you're going to pretend it happened to me today, because I do not favor writing in the past tense. So those of you who have actually experienced some of these phenomenal events with me, drop some acid and live in my imaginary "NOW" world.

Sooooo, today, (wink-wink)- I was feeling especially powerful, and decided to step up my training and run all the way to the gym - well, from my car which is parked at the very last parking spot; at least 50 yards from the front door. Hey, don't judge - I don't see anyone else doing this. With that said, I then took flight on the stairmaster for forty minutes before my scheduled session with Mr. Trainer Guy.

So my usual ritual after the stairs is to go to the dressing room and put my Kindle away, wash my hands, and towel off before Mr. Trainer Guy. But today I opened the dressing room door to be smacked head-on in the face with a stench so offensive my Super Hero eyes were burning from the inside out. I opened my eyes to the culprit, and for lack of a better word, I'll call her Puke-Girl.

Clearly she's an arch nemesis to this Super Hero, because she brought me to my knees. Not only had she left a trail, but there was no foreseeable end to her venomous rampage. Because I'm such a compassionate person, I ran out at lightening speed and told Front Desk-Girl to get a mop - she's got to perform an exorcism on Linda Blair in the bathroom.

Then I go about my business to my usual starting point with Mr. Trainer Guy inside the weight room; only to witness a menagerie of gym rats who were sporting mops. Is there no end? Is she some kind of mutant squirrel hoarding all her food like nuts for the winter and just couldn't keep them in? I'm training for a Super Hero role - I do not need these horror movie distractions.

Oh, and I know this just happened today, but she has returned to the gym with her trainer a few more times and has rendered the same results. So this was not just a Fluke-puke - I think she's allergic to her trainer.